I often dream of my high school, I find myself often in the surroundings of the school, with friends I once had. It seems people I knew then are growing older too, getting married, having kids. I look back now with older eyes and reminisce. High School was some of the darkest days I can remember. Sometimes i’m surprised I made it out alive. But now I think to myself, was high school really hell? How has it changed me? Has it made me a better stronger person? Memory lane seems to be where I am at the moment.
It’s funning thinking back now, that the one person I hated the most at school effected me the least. This guy who would call me names, constantly bringing me down hardly crosses my mind. It’s the things that friends said & did that hurt more. I was bullied all throughout my schooling, it came with being fat. Sometimes it hurt, but in a way, I’ve always accepted myself. The cattyness of the school yard was the worse & I’m so thankful that Facebook wasn’t aroundback then! The first year of high school, Year 7 was the worst, I ended up having to transfer classes. I found a home in year 8 & friendship started to grow a little more.
I also bullied, while I don’t think I was ever overly hurtful, I know I teased a few people. I’m sorry for that. I think in the end I was more an annoyance then anything.
Cliques & Friendship.
All high schools have cliques. I’m still unsure as to what the group I hung out with would be consider. We weren’t the popular kids, we weren’t the nerdy type, though we were friends with them. We were the leftovers in a way. Our group was all girls & we would constantly be tossed in & out of favour. Throughout it all I had one friend who never wavered, Catherine, who i’ve talked about on here before. Otherwise my closest friends were Natalie (Yes, another one!), Christelle, Kerri, Melanie & Cheryl. I tended to get along with most people easily, so I found I have a few friends in other cliques. Not best friends, but people who would talk to me.
I think I had a good group of friends, while at times I hated them for something, I think teenage girls can be crazy like that. If I had to go back, I don’t think I would have chosen different friends. I don’t think these days I would put up with half the shit that happened, I think I’ve finally grown more of a spine.
I also have to thank 2 of those friends for helping me get the mental health help I needed. End of year 9 I believe 2 of the girls mentioned about went & talked to our year advisor about me, which in turn had me sent to the school counselor. In the end, they probably saved my life.
Crushes & Sexuality.
I never got too interested in sex until later on in life. During high school I had a few fleeting small crushes & 2 major ones. I think everyone knew about my crush on Michael, it lasted the majority of high school. Too bad I could hardly string a sentence together around him. I used to feel uncomfortable around males, sometimes, I still do. 14 year old me had no idea what to talk to boys about. I was too self conscious, I was happy being weird & hugging trees. The 2nd major crush, I think only my friends knew about. Sean was only one of a handful of boys I could talk too, but I guess me and my stupidity. Whilst the crush on Michael hurt the most (& damn can crushes hurt), I think the crush on Sean (For the record SP not SM) was the hardest. My friends weren’t all that supportive of the crush & would constantly make fun of me for it. But hey, the heart wants what the heart wants.
I knew pretty early on about being Bi. I only ever told one person in high school about it. I was teased enough as it was, so I wasn’t giving the gossip anything else to pass around. However Wendy let slip about her thoughts. I remember spending a whole lesson with her in the A-block quad talking & comforting her after it all blew up in her face & most of the school teased her. I try not to talk about Wendy too much, but she was one person who understood me the most in High School.
I started self injuring in year 7. It was a way to let out my emotions. It helped me, calmed me. I in no way think what I did was right, but it comforted me. I’ve always had issues, I just mainly thought it was normal, but I guess after a while I realised not everyone found things the way I did. My self injuring got worse. My friends intervened. I had school counselling, she felt I needed more professional help. I confessed to my parents. I went to therapy.
I never finished school. I made it half way through year 10 when my mental health took a nose dive. I was hardly attending school & in the end it was basically OPTION 1 – Continue on at school & end up killing myself or OPTION 2 – Leave & consentrate onmy mental health & getting better. While I did want to die, I wanted to survive, so as you may have guessed, option 2 it was. I basically cut myself off from the rest of the world.
So… was it hell?
As much as it felt like then, no. If anything, I think a few of the people might have been a little evil. I made some good friends, I learnt some valuable lessons. Would I change this? Probably slightly at times, but I think I’ve turned out okay.
I still find it hard to believe that this year marks the 10 year anniversary of being being in Year 10. I have been out of high school now 10 years & what a difference it has made. What a person I have become. If there was a way to show my past self how I was at this day. I don’t think I would believe it. It’s true, i’m still mentally ill, i’venot made a huge impact in the world, but I’m alive. I live in a different state. I have a boyfriend, friends, I work amazing conventions & had the chance to meet some spectacular people.