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Was high school really hell? ⋆ natatree

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Was high school really hell?

May 1, 2011

I often dream of my high school, I find myself often in the surroundings of the school, with friends I once had. It seems people I knew then are growing older too, getting married, having kids. I look back now with older eyes and reminisce. High School was some of the darkest days I can remember. Sometimes i’m surprised I made it out alive. But now I think to myself, was high school really hell? How has it changed me? Has it made me a better stronger person? Memory lane seems to be where I am at the moment. 

Bullying.

It’s funning thinking back now, that the one person I hated the most at school effected me the least. This guy who would call me names, constantly bringing me down hardly crosses my mind. It’s the things that friends said & did that hurt more. I was bullied all throughout my schooling, it came with being fat. Sometimes it hurt, but in a way, I’ve always accepted myself. The cattyness of the school yard was the worse & I’m so thankful that Facebook wasn’t aroundback then! The first year of high school, Year 7 was the worst, I ended up having to transfer classes. I found a home in year 8 & friendship started to grow a little more.

I also bullied, while I don’t think I was ever overly hurtful, I know I teased a few people. I’m sorry for that. I think in the end I was more an annoyance then anything. 

Cliques & Friendship.

All high schools have cliques. I’m still unsure as to what the group I hung out with would be consider. We weren’t the popular kids, we weren’t the nerdy type, though we were friends with them. We were the leftovers in a way. Our group was all girls & we would constantly be tossed in & out of favour. Throughout it all I had one friend who never wavered, Catherine, who i’ve talked about on here before. Otherwise my closest friends were Natalie (Yes, another one!), Christelle, Kerri, Melanie & Cheryl. I tended to get along with most people easily, so I found I have a few friends in other cliques. Not best friends, but people who would talk to me.

I think I had a good group of friends, while at times I hated them for something, I think teenage girls can be crazy like that. If I had to go back, I don’t think I would have chosen different friends. I don’t think these days I would put up with half the shit that happened, I think I’ve finally grown more of a spine.

I also have to thank 2 of those friends for helping me get the mental health help I needed. End of year 9 I believe 2 of the girls mentioned about went & talked to our year advisor about me, which in turn had me sent to the school counselor. In the end, they probably saved my life.

Crushes & Sexuality.

 I never got too interested in sex until later on in life. During high school I had a few fleeting small crushes & 2 major ones. I think everyone knew about my crush on Michael, it lasted the majority of high school. Too bad I could hardly string a sentence together around him. I used to feel uncomfortable around males, sometimes, I still do. 14 year old me had no idea what to talk to boys about. I was too self conscious, I was happy being weird & hugging trees. The 2nd major crush, I think only my friends knew about. Sean was only one of a handful of boys I could talk too, but I guess me and my stupidity. Whilst the crush on Michael hurt the most (& damn can crushes hurt), I think the crush on Sean (For the record SP not SM) was the hardest. My friends weren’t all that supportive of the crush & would constantly make fun of me for it. But hey, the heart wants what the heart wants.

I knew pretty early on about being Bi. I only ever told one person in high school about it. I was teased enough as it was, so I wasn’t giving the gossip anything else to pass around. However Wendy let slip about her thoughts. I remember spending a whole lesson with her in the A-block quad talking & comforting her after it all blew up in her face & most of the school teased her. I try not to talk about Wendy too much, but she was one person who understood me the most in High School.

 

Mental Health

I started self injuring in year 7. It was a way to let out my emotions. It helped me, calmed me. I in no way think what I did was right, but it comforted me. I’ve always had issues, I just mainly thought it was normal, but I guess after a while I realised not everyone found things the way I did. My self injuring got worse. My friends intervened. I had school counselling, she felt I needed more professional help. I confessed to my parents. I went to therapy.

I never finished school. I made it half way through year 10 when my mental health took a nose dive. I was hardly attending school & in the end it was basically OPTION 1 – Continue on at school & end up killing myself or OPTION 2 – Leave & consentrate onmy mental health & getting better. While I did want to die, I wanted to survive, so as you may have guessed, option 2 it was. I basically cut myself off from the rest of the world.

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So… was it hell?

As much as it felt like then, no. If anything, I think a few of the people might have been a little evil. I made some good friends, I learnt some valuable lessons. Would I change this? Probably slightly at times, but I think I’ve turned out okay.

I still find it hard to believe that this year marks the 10 year anniversary of being being in Year 10. I have been out of high school now 10 years & what a difference it has made. What a person I have become. If there was a way to show my past self how I was at this day. I don’t think I would believe it. It’s true, i’m still mentally ill, i’venot made a huge impact in the world, but I’m alive. I live in a different state. I have a boyfriend, friends, I work amazing conventions & had the chance to meet some spectacular people.

I still like to hug trees though.

  • Nataliecmonaghan

    I love that you have been so open and have been so honest babe. love your guts

    Love always the other Natalie

  • It really is amazing how 10 years can change things. I guess I’ve had a lot of time to think about things. I have no problems these days discussing how I feel & how thingsmade me feel. It was a good post to write, to be able to say things that I never said.

    I love you too, so very much. xo

  • Sarah

    Thankyou for sharing your story. I am glad that you can look back and put some persective on it. Schooling is something a lot of people just have to get through alive just to make a new life.

    It still hurts when I think about school. It’s was all just so difficult. Truthfully, even seeing the photos of you and your friends makes me feel so sad. I just didn’t have that and not forming relationships when I was young is something that still affects my life today.

  • I can understand that, I feel fortunate that I did have a couple of friends, while it wasn’t all sunshine & roses I think they were the best kind of friends I could have within a teen female.

    I am lucky that I tend to get along with most people, it’s a bit of a self preservation on my part that I can throw up a bubbly personality, but I am awful at keeping friendships as I absolutly horrid at calling people & making arrangements (As you may have noticed!).

    My boyfriend though is the oppisite, he is a very isolated person & doesn’t form friendship easily, so I can relate in a way.

  • Sarah

    I relate about the calling people and arranging stuff. When I feel introspective I wonder if it’s something to do with self esteem and not feeling deserving of friendships. It’s massively complex I think!!!!

  • What a very open post- I really like how honest you were. I’m also glad you can look back on high school and think better things- I hope one day I can do that, too. It’s not this day, though. ^_~

  • Moe

    For me it was. There are certain people who still pop up in my mind — some were tormentors and some were just mean — I’m so glad I live in a different town. There are so many things I’d change if I could go back knowing what I know now. Different friends, different decisions.

  • I found this post incredibly moving. It’s so endearing that you’re willing to be open and honest about this difficult time in your life. I really admire you for that.
    My teen years were very difficult for me, particularly the time between the ages of 13 and 16. Those year were really rough, peppered with bullying, self-loathing, isolation, the loss of a friend to suicide and anorexia. It sucked balls.
    Looking back though, there were some truly happy times during my teen years. I made some excellent friends during this time, and I have very fond memories of hanging out with them, watching British comedy and doing our nails. I think I’d be a very different person now if my teen years hadn’t unfolded the way they did. And I like the Me I am right now, so I guess it turned out for the best.

  • Thank you! I’m hoping to do a few posts in which I talk about my feelings, experiences & such. I only recently realised that I don’t hold all that anger agaisnt high school that I used to. I guess after 10 years I’ve realised that while it wasn’t a fun experience, it helpedmould me into the person I am today.

  • I think everyone would choose a few things to do differently. I know I would take less crap from people. I too have moved away from where I went to school, my parents still live there, but it’s good not worrying I’llbump into someone I don’t want too. As it is, I feel I’ve grown & would be able to face people who once were tormentors.

  • Thanks sweety, it was a good feeling to write this post actually. To be able to form the words and be able to let out what I’ve felt for awhile.

    I can understand those years, they were my troubled years & I can related to the bullying. Losing a friend is always hard, especially due to suicide. I’ve lost a friend & uncle to suicide and it’s horrible.

    I try to focus on the happy thoughts these days, because I had some great laughs with the friends I had. And exactly, I think it all helped shape me into who I am & whilst not the most mentally stable I truley believe myself to be a good person.

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  • :)

    You seriously sounds like an amazing person! Although my ‘clique’ is considered popular, I’m sure every guy and girl in my group would welcome you with open arms 🙂 

  • I really admire your openness. It’s interesting how similar our high school experiences were. I was a member of the “leftover” group too and when all of my friends’ families started moving away I found it to be unbearable at school. It was so isolating without their support and left me as an open target for the clicks and bullies. I would bawl my eyes out for a good 30 minutes every morning before school, begging my parents not to make me go. I finally left high school in 11th grade at 16 years old. Just leaving that nightmare of a place seemed to improve my life immensely. I finished school through the local community college, got my first real boyfriend, got a full time job and moved out on my own at 18, and went to college. By the time my 20’s rolled around, I think I became fairly well adjusted, self-sufficient and more importantly, happy. 

    P.S. — There’s nothing wrong with hugging trees! ;o)

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  • Lorna Janssen

    This was such an honest post (I realise it’s an old one too!). I feel the same about high school but still feel resentment towards those who made it so difficult for me. I wish I was the person I am now, then. I would have held my head high. But what do they say, the best revenge is success ?

    Ps. I love your fashion blogs ??

  • So true! And thank you! xo