XL as life!

A case of the blogger doubts

May 22, 2013 by Natalie · 16 Comments

I feel weird calling myself a ‘blogger’.

I’m never going to be a highly successful blogger, I can’t shmooze. I’m shy and awkward in person, I don’t have the confidence that you need to shine in person. I like to do my work behind a computer screen, I like to sit back and observe, I’m not the life of a party. I feel weird contacting companies, I tend to let them come to me, which isn’t really the way with blogging.

I don’t usually compare myself to other bloggers, I don’t check my stats daily & I’m usually pretty happy just doing my own thing. Though with this depression having been set in for awhile, I find i’m constantly doubting myself. Why aren’t companies contacting me? Why wasn’t I invited to that event? Why aren’t I special? I hope it’s something that all bloggers feel at some time, not that I want them to feel this way, I wish everyone ALL the success, but just because I don’t want to feel alone.

I also then feel stupid for thinking that, and admitting that, because in reality, I do pretty good. I’m happy with my blog, I blog for myself, I blog for you, I guess it would just be nice to be recognised a bit more for what I do. Blogging really isn’t all sunshine & sparkily shoes.

I’ve really alienated myself over the past few months, I’ve met some wondeful people through blogging & I need to learn to work on friendships. It’s not so easy, or fun, feeling so lonely. So i’m hoping to push through things, through this depression, through the anxiety, through the shyness and try and get out to some of the awesome blog meet ups that have been going on.

Have you ever had a case of the blogger doubts?

1: Me, Octavia & Vicky, Suger Coat it, The Surprise Beginning, Debbish & Redcliffe Style at Nuffnang Blogopolis.
2: Closet Confessions and I at a blogging conference.
3: Me, Closet Confessions, Gisela Ramirez, Danimezza & Frock and Roll at the Myer Fashion Festival.

Filed Under: Everyday · Tagged With: Bloggers, Blogging, Blogs

Aussie Curves – Sequins

May 20, 2013 by Natalie · 11 Comments

Some people may be able to pull off double denim, but as you are probably well aware, i’m just not a fan of denim. I am however a lover of all things sparkily & glittery. This weeks Aussie Curves theme is Sequins, so here I am rocking several selected sequin separates!

Yeah, this top is a little tongue in cheek, but I could not resist it. It amuses me to no end for a few reasons. When I was in my teens I had 2 similar tees that I’d wear often. One read “Sorry I missed church, I was busy practicing witchcraft & becoming a lesbian”, the other “I found Jesus, he was behind the sofa the whole time”. Ah, the teenage years. I no longer poke fun at religion, but I do enjoy a funny tee.

Not to mention, some slight VBO! I love this skirt & I knew as soon as it arrived I’d use it for sequins week, but I don’t think I’ll be the only one wearing it!

Shirt – Unif | Jacket – Crossroads | Skirt – ASOS | Shoes – ASOS | Necklace – Colette
Eyeliner – Lime Crime Uniliner in Lazuli

Filed Under: Fashion, Outfits · Tagged With: ASOS, Aussie Curves, Colette, Crossroads, Lime Crime, Lipstick, Unif

Outfit – Reptilectic Panda

May 17, 2013 by Natalie · 19 Comments

Depression often leaves me wanting to never leave the comfort of my bed, let alone the comfort of my pajamas but life goes on, and sometimes the simple act of getting up and getting dressed can make you feel a little better. It’s all about comfort though, I don’t want to get frocked up, I want to still feel like i’m in my pajamas, but be more presentable.

Oh yes. I am wearing leggings as pants! I’d been lusting after these beauties by Harlow for awhile now, and in a moment of weakness I ordered them. I’m glad I did, they are SO comfy! I ordered the size L and I probably should have gone for the M, but i’m kind of in love with how comfy they are being just slightly too big. But I thought i’d mention sizing in case you want to buy yourself a pair.

When this jumper first came up on ASOS I let out squees of glee, SO CUTE! I ended up buying it was a $50 voucher I had. I think this will be getting a lot of wear in winter because it’s SO warm. I was actually surprised about the quality of the jumper actually, I mean, I love ASOS, but for $50 I wasn’t expecting something so thick, warm and lush!

Jumper – ASOS | Leggings – Harlow | Boots – Betts

Do you have any ‘go to’ comfort clothing?

Filed Under: Fashion, Outfits · Tagged With: ASOS, Betts, Harlow, OOTD, Outfit, The Iconic

Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month

May 15, 2013 by Natalie · 14 Comments

May is BPD Awareness month. It’s oddly fitting that I seem to be in a black hole of depression at the moment.

I’ve talked about my mental health a few times on the blog, I sometimes worry if I share too much, but when I get an email from a reader thanking me for being open about it, I know I’ve done the right thing. Mental illness has a certain stigma attached to it. It often makes people automatically think i’m crazy, bad, insane, and hey, to some I might be, but that’s not all I am. Everyone has layers.

I struggle a hell of a lot. I understand that a lot of people do, I know that there are people out there that have worse lives then I do, and I actually feel guilty about it. I hate that most of the time I find just living hard. It frustrates me that I have problems, that I get anxiety and I can’t live a full life. That I can’t go out and catch a bus, that I can’t have a full time job, that I can’t go to the movies by myself, meet new people, the stuff most people take for granted every day.

I’ve been seeing councilors, therapists, psychs, since I was around 10. I was diagnosed with depression, then Bipolar, then that was changed to Borderline. I feel lucky in many ways that I’ve learnt from a young age many coping mechanisms. It’s what has let me come so far. At one stage my Mum told me she didn’t think I’d make it to 18 I was so badly depressed. I’ve always felt a bit different, more, I dunno, MORE. I used to wake my parents up every night until I was around 10, just to make sure they were ok. I’ve always felt scared.

I’ve pushed through many things. I used to self injure, almost every day. I don’t anymore. I sometimes slip up, but I sometimes go over a year without hurting myself. I’ve learnt to recognise my emotions and try to rationalise them. I’m often telling myself “It may FEEL like the end of the world Natalie, but it’s not”.

While it was good knowing what was wrong with me, in regards to getting the right help, it’s hard having a ‘label’ thrust upon you. I don’t have all the symptoms they list and that is always something to remember, every person has their own special concoction of illness. I am not an angry person, at all, I will go out of my way to make others happy, to the point of making myself miserable. One of the big criteria is ‘reckless behavior’, and on a list with things like, substance abuse, reckless driving, promiscuous sex, my main ‘reckless’ areas lay in spending and binge eating.

The statistic that scares me the most is the suicide rate. 10% of people with BPD will commit suicide, it’s the mental illness with the highest suicide rate. 70% of people with BPD will at least try. So if you put 10 people in a room, 7 of them will have tried, and one will be successful. I am one of those 7, but I will NOT be that 1.

If you ever feel suicidal, or suffer from depression, don’t be afraid to get help. It’s hard to reach out, but please do. There are many specialised groups, lifelines etc in most countries & are easy to look up online. Don’t be afraid to try medication either, for some people one pill can help a simple chemical imbalance in the brain. Also, don’t forget that you are never alone.