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Sugers Confident You Challenge

Sugers Confident You – Week One

The oh so wonderful Suger recently released her “Confident you body confidence photo challenge“. Phew, that’s a bit of a mouth full. She asked me to share my thoughts on body confidence and I jumped at the chance. I also decided to try and give the challenge a go. I usually suck at keeping up with them, but with this being 14 days instead of a whole month, I decided to give the whole thing a go. I’ve been sharing it on my instagram, but decided that I would compile them all into weekly round up posts.

1. What body confidence means to you.

2. You / Selfie.

(picture in header) I took this picture this morning whilst getting ready. A bit of a prequel pic to my previous outfit pic. This is me. Chubby belly, stretch marks, thick thighs. But still super cute!

3. Grateful.

I am grateful for my friends, family & most of all, my kitty cats. I know I talk about wanting a dog so much, but I am thankful that at least I have these dudes keeping me company. Tonka is my baby who is always beside me (or honestly laying ON me). Louis is my little spud who never fails to make my laugh.

4. Share the love.

I want to give a shout out to the amazing Meli of @baccurelli. This is one lady who inspires me so much. She’s a beautiful loving soul, a fierce Mother and so so talented. Her and her husband do so much work for their brand and it shows. Their designs are amazing and I’ve loved slowly learning more about her, her life and her business. She isnt a girlboss, she’s a ladyboss. (Visit their store HERE)

5. I have embraced.

I guess that is my body. I still have little hang ups (my arms) and days where I can’t find anything to wear, but most of the time I rock my body! I show off my vbo, I #rockthecrop and wear what I want. I don’t let my fat stop me from experimenting with fashion.

6. Share your Why.

Why? Because I had to be. I’ve been fat from a young age, I was sick & ended up on steroids. This means I spent most of my youth being teased. Kids can be meanest of all. High school wasn’t much better, but it was more behind your back than face on. I learnt to be #bodypositive because I figured I deserved to be treated like everyone else, and most of them loved themselves, why could I? I learnt to love myself because I was already suicidal & if I didn’t learn to appreciate my body for what it did, then why should I bother? And i’m glad I did, I’m glad I learnt and that hopefully that has helped others.

7. Love your flaws/ Body Shaming.

This picture is for ANYONE that body shames. Don’t do it. Ive been pretty lucky with sharing so much of my life on the internet that I haven’t been shamed too much. I’m also lucky that years of being teased gave me thick skin and therapy gave me coping mechanisms. I’ve been shamed for my weight, my belly, my arms, my triple chin, my hair, my piercings and more. But I’m not ashamed. I have flaws, some that yeah, I’d change if I could (my teeth) but all in all those flaws make me. And I’m okay with that.

Are you playing along with the challenge?

Bye Bye Betsy

On Monday the much loved Betsy passed away. I still feel odd. I cried when my Mum rang, and a few times after, and now I just feel numb. I think it will hit more once I’m back at my parents place in Sydney.

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You can view the post on when we got Betsy here. We never knew how old she was, and soon after adopting her, we realised she was deaf. We weren’t positive at first because her ears were full of mites and we thought that may have been a hindrance, but no, she was deaf. We also found out she had been de-barked. That didn’t stop her barking though, it just came out more of a breathy squeaky noise. Oh but she could snore! Many times I’ve rung Mum and could hear Betsy perfectly in the background snoring her heart out.

I called her Princess because she was a princess to me. It was amazing to see her progress, Frodo helped her learn to be a dog. Taught her that she wasn’t going to get into trouble for doing dog things. That she was never going to be abused. My parents previous dog Emily never really grew much, she was too traumatised, but Betsy thrived. My parents did such an amazing job just showing her how loved she was that you could pat her, something she would shy away from at the start. It was to the point that when people would come into the house, she would come out and actively seek pats.

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She’s been going downhill for awhile, her hard life before we adopted her was taking a toll on her. Her heart, her liver. She had doggy dementia, but she was still happy. She still had moments when she would run so fast, when she would demand pats, and she’d still remind Mum every day when it was dinner time. She was very selective with her kisses, and would only give you one lick, preferably on the nose.

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A few people have mentioned that she was lucky to have us, but in all honesty, we were lucky to have Betsy. I love all animals, I love all my parents dogs, but Betsy was special. She was one of those dogs who really touched your heart. I know you’re not supposed to have favourites (dog-siblings?), but she was mine. The past few trips I was always scared that it would be the last time I’d see her, so I always made sure that I would give her pats and while she couldn’t hear me, I’d tell her I loved her. I loved her so much.

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I’m sure she was greeted by Frodo and Emily over the rainbow bridge, and I’m sure they introduced her to Bailey, the first of my parents Cavalier obsession. They are amazing dogs and touch your life in such a major way, but sadly have so many health problems.

Sleep well Booboo. I hope you’re at peace and all your worries are gone. That wherever you are there are bountiful lizards to chase and crates to sleep in. You are missed and you are loved.

Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Week

Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness week is the 1-7th of October. It’s been awhile since I’ve talked about my mental health, so now is the perfect time to do so.

I am 30. Now that may not seem like a big deal to some people, but I remember a time when I didn’t think I’d make it to 18. The fact that I’ve made it to 30 just blows my mind. You see, I’ve struggled with life. I’ve not had a bad life, in fact, I’ve had a pretty easy life, but my head hasn’t made it easy for me. For as long as I remember, I’ve been a bit different.  From a young age, I was scared that someone was coming to get me, that my heart beat was someone walking up the stairs, that the noise outside was dinosaurs suddenly re-appearing to kill us all (hey, I was a kid!) and of course the dread I would feel when someone would walk into a classroom with a note, I was sure that note was to call me to the office and that my parents had died. I used to sleep with the light on, and I used to wake my parents up at least once a night to see if they were okay.

“With BPD it hurts physically. It is an intense amount of painful emotion packed inside of my body trying to get out.”

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I’ve seen dozens of doctors, councillors, psychiatrists, and psychologists over those years, my first being when I was in year 2 at school. Things got more serious in high school and later I was (wrongly) diagnosed with Bipolar (not otherwise specified). I was then rightly diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (among a few other things) when I was around 19, and that fit my symptoms more than Bipolar, and also made me understand more of why my teenage years were THE WORST. Not only was I going through the normal hormonal changes that everyone goes through, I had the added side affect that molehills were mountains.

“People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement.” –  Marsha M. Linehan

 

I went through a period where I hardly ever left the house, where i’d have panic attacks almost daily. I would go out to the shops and not be able to approach a counter because I just couldn’t interact with people, my Mum would have to do it for me. I’ve been to the emergency room at the hospital more times than I can count on my hands, I used to self injure, and I have tried to take my own life. I have however had help, and I have always been so disciplined on myself. BPD often comes with reckless behaviour, for example, gambling, spending money irresponsibly, binge eatting, abuse of substances, engage in unsafe promiscuous sex, or drive recklessly. Now for me, I may put $1 in the poker machines if I’m out a dinner, but no more than 2 dollars. I’ve never taken drugs, apart from trying pot twice. My sex life is private, but I can count my partners on one hand, I’m disease free, and I don’t drive. I have been known to binge eat and did have an eating disorder for many years, and I can’t save money for my life. However, all my bills and rent are always paid and I don’t have a credit card. So, i’m lucky. Extremely lucky.

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I’ve come so far, it’s been a hard road, and I still have days when I can’t get out of bed, when I don’t want to live anymore. I still can’t do so many things that most people can do, but I can do more than I could. Today*, I caught a bus, a train, and went to a meeting and shopping by myself. I know that I am so tired from just doing that, that I will have an early night and I will sleep most of tomorrow. It is an invisible illness and I am a complete spoonie.

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This post was more a way to share some of my story, and I guess to let people know that it can get better. I still struggle, but I can look back and see how far I’ve come and how I have a better understanding and coping mechanisms in place to make those dark days easier.

If you’d like more information about BPD, please head over to Spectrum. Project Air. Sane. Beyond Blue.
If you’re in trouble, never fear to call Lifeline 13 11 14 or the Suicide Callback Service 1300 659 467

*I wrote this post yesterday and scheduled it go live today.