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Frodo

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When all you want in life is a dog

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Hi my name is Natalie, i’m 28, a Gemini, I love shoes and things that sparkle, cool weather, swimming and all animals. I have a few mental health issues and all I want in life is a dog.

I can’t really complain though. While my head makes life and living it hard, I have a roof over my head (I love this house), food, enough money to see a good psych fortnightly, friends, and a super loving and supportive family. I should be golden, but I still feel like something is missing. That missing piece is a dog.

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I’ve had at least one dog ever since I can remember. All my life, i’ve had a canine companion, up until Frodo passed away 15 months ago (I remember things like this, 6 years since my miscarriage, 5 years since my niece died, 4 years since my nan died). At first, I couldn’t imagine getting another dog, I was distraught. I had to deal with living in a Frodoless world.

Frodo was my world, and I’m about 80% sure I wouldn’t be alive today if it wasn’t for him. I got him when I was around 15 and in one of my most fragile stages. He was my rock. I had anxiety plans built around him from my Councillors. To this day, when I panic, my thoughts go straight to ‘I want to go home, to my bed, to my dog’. The first few times this happened after Frodo passed was hard, I’d get to the ‘to my dog’ part and panic harder. I no longer had a dog.

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I raised him to be a pretty good dog and I was so proud of him. Some days he’d do something and I’d think my heart would burst from love. This was what people must feel when they have kids, this crazy emotional, love. When he was sick, I would be like a distraught Mother. When he had his operation on his knee, I’d carry him around, stand next to him so he could pee. When he nearly died from a bowel obtrusion, I did everything I could do to help him. I knew the day before he passed that that was the last night I was going to spend with him. When he passed away, it was in my arms with me telling him he was the greatest and best dog ever. In my heart, he always will be.

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I’m not having children, even when I was younger growing up, I never wanted them. I’d always said I’d adopt. Sadly, I can’t adopt. I have issues that would make it hard to concieve and to carry full term and I would not want anyone to grow up with a head anything like mine. So yes, I did see Frodo, I do see Tonka, like my children. A child, that someone who had trouble getting out of bed somedays could have. A child who never judged me if I didn’t leave the house for a week, or a fortnight. Who would willingly give me cuddles and make me happier just by being in the room. Who would encourage me to get out of bed, to feed them, to take them outside. Who made me keep living. It’s something my Psych and I have been discussing over and over.

The thing is, if I was having a child, I wouldn’t have to ask the landlord for permission.

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Frodo is always watching over me, this HUGE picture looks over my bed.

 I was offered to adopt a dog recently. The most perfect dog for me. A dream dog. But the landlord came back with a no. While my rational brain can accept it, it was a big ask, they are scared their property will be damaged, the other part of my brain is devastated. I’d be the best dog parent, I wouldn’t let it do damage and if it did, I’d pay every cent. I can’t stop crying (oh hey, a nose bleed) and I just can’t understand why I try and be the best person I can be, and it always seems that I come in last. I’d do anything legal and not morally questionable to just have this. It still feels like my heart is broken.

I know it may sound trivial to some. And hey, it just may be. But in a world so crazy, if something as simple as having a dog can make my life a better place, can quiet my head, can encourage me to get up in the morning, then I will strive for it. I just wish it was now. I’m not asking for the world. A million dollars. Diamonds. Expensive pairs of shoes. All I want in life is a dog, and I can’t have it.

Answer This

Answer This… Cats or Dogs?

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 Ahh, the age old question, cats or dogs? To be honest, it’s hands down DOGS for me! I do however love all animals & currently only own a cat!  If I had my way, I’d have a dog, and hopefully it’s on the cards for this year, but I do love my cat.

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I got my first dog when I was around 6 and apart from the last year, have always had at least one dog. My first dog was an Aussie Silky called Billy, then there was an Aussie Silky x Maltese named Prince. Frodo was my 3rd dog, and then I got Ginny (who lives with my ex). Throughout that time, my parents (who I often lived with) have had dogs too, and currently have 2 Cavalier King Charles rescues Betsy and Aussie.

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Everyday, Personal

Dear Mr Frodo (A year on)

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Dear Mr Frodo,
Today marks a year since you passed away. A year since I last held you, since I smelt you, got kisses, heard your bark. It’s been a year since you struggled to sit up on the vets desk, to lick away my tears, as I said goodbye. A year since I held you, told you that I loved you, that you were THE BEST dog, my best friend, my baby boy, as you drifted away.

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It’s been HARD, but like people have said, it’s got easier. I think moving to Melbourne helped, because I no longer expect to see you come strutting down the hall. For so long, I would still go to feed you, or take you outside. The worst is when I get depressed, you were always there for me then, you were my rock, and for awhile I felt SO lost, because it was you who would comfort me. It was YOU who kept ME alive. Tonka has been doing his best with that though, and I guess I’m lucky he’s a cat that loves to lay in my arms all night. He fretted for you, I think he still misses you, though I’m pretty sure he’s happy he ALWAYS gets prime lap/bed position now.

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I don’t have so many nightmares about you anymore. For so long I would dream about you dying. Or that I wished so hard you came back to life, only to be some weird demon zombie dog. I’ve lost count of the number of times I woke up in tears. Thankfully, when you visit me in my dreams now, you’re just you, and we hang out, and I cherish every second I get to spend with you. Even if it is just in my head.

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To be honest, I did better then I expected. When you were alive, I couldn’t even comprehend what a life without you would be like. Surely, I could NEVER survive in a world that you weren’t in? True, I think a little piece of me died with you, I had moments when the world felt like it was ending and I could not stop crying, or catch my breath. But the world did keep turning, and I KNEW you would want me to keep on keeping on.

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This is the longest time that I can remember that I haven’t had a dog. I’ve always had a dog, sometimes two, for as long as I remember. I think I’m finally realising that I COULD have another dog in my life. Part of me is scared though. I’m scared that I will never love another thing the way I loved you. Sure, I love, but I’ve never loved anyone or anything as much as I loved you. I’m also scared that I WILL love something the way I loved you.

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I still think of you every day, I still see you everyday, but it hurts less. I may be bawling like a baby writing this, but the tears & pain are less often. These days, I tend to remember all the good times we spent, and smile. I still can’t eat Doritos though. I also feel a little guilty because your urn is hidden away in a box on the shelf. I don’t think I’m ready for that open of a reminder. I know you’ll understand though. Plus you’re favourite toy, leash and coat is in it with you.

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I like to think you’re somewhere, with loved ones who have passed. Reunited with Bayley & Emily. Snuggling with Grandmama. I hope you are.

All my love, my little man.
xo Mummy

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