Dear Mr Frodo,
Today marks a year since you passed away. A year since I last held you, since I smelt you, got kisses, heard your bark. It’s been a year since you struggled to sit up on the vets desk, to lick away my tears, as I said goodbye. A year since I held you, told you that I loved you, that you were THE BEST dog, my best friend, my baby boy, as you drifted away.
It’s been HARD, but like people have said, it’s got easier. I think moving to Melbourne helped, because I no longer expect to see you come strutting down the hall. For so long, I would still go to feed you, or take you outside. The worst is when I get depressed, you were always there for me then, you were my rock, and for awhile I felt SO lost, because it was you who would comfort me. It was YOU who kept ME alive. Tonka has been doing his best with that though, and I guess I’m lucky he’s a cat that loves to lay in my arms all night. He fretted for you, I think he still misses you, though I’m pretty sure he’s happy he ALWAYS gets prime lap/bed position now.
I don’t have so many nightmares about you anymore. For so long I would dream about you dying. Or that I wished so hard you came back to life, only to be some weird demon zombie dog. I’ve lost count of the number of times I woke up in tears. Thankfully, when you visit me in my dreams now, you’re just you, and we hang out, and I cherish every second I get to spend with you. Even if it is just in my head.
To be honest, I did better then I expected. When you were alive, I couldn’t even comprehend what a life without you would be like. Surely, I could NEVER survive in a world that you weren’t in? True, I think a little piece of me died with you, I had moments when the world felt like it was ending and I could not stop crying, or catch my breath. But the world did keep turning, and I KNEW you would want me to keep on keeping on.
This is the longest time that I can remember that I haven’t had a dog. I’ve always had a dog, sometimes two, for as long as I remember. I think I’m finally realising that I COULD have another dog in my life. Part of me is scared though. I’m scared that I will never love another thing the way I loved you. Sure, I love, but I’ve never loved anyone or anything as much as I loved you. I’m also scared that I WILL love something the way I loved you.
I still think of you every day, I still see you everyday, but it hurts less. I may be bawling like a baby writing this, but the tears & pain are less often. These days, I tend to remember all the good times we spent, and smile. I still can’t eat Doritos though. I also feel a little guilty because your urn is hidden away in a box on the shelf. I don’t think I’m ready for that open of a reminder. I know you’ll understand though. Plus you’re favourite toy, leash and coat is in it with you.
I like to think you’re somewhere, with loved ones who have passed. Reunited with Bayley & Emily. Snuggling with Grandmama. I hope you are.
All my love, my little man.
No, my cabinet isn’t set up like that. I just wanted to take a photo of the photobook I made of Mr Frodo & thought I’d put his urn (him?) in the picture. I laugh when I see the look Tonka is giving in the background. To be honest, his urn is in a material bag, in a paper bag, on the floor between my chest of drawers and bookcase. I decided I wanted to do a photobook ages ago, but snapfish had a half price sale on recently. You get 20 pages with the book and you can add in extra. This one was 44 pages. It’s hard fitting in so many years of life into one book. Can you believe he’s been gone 6 months now?
I miss having a dog. I REALLY miss having a dog. I don’t really remember a time when I didn’t have a dog. It’s not something that I can do right now. If I move to Melbourne later this year, it will be even more harder moving with a dog and finding a place to rent. I would have done it if Frodo was still alive, but right now, it doesn’t seem practical. My man friend and I talk often about getting a dog together, I search the rescue sites and that, but we have our heart set on an Anatolian.
I’ve been working on my health lately. It’s hard. Really hard. I think that’s partially why OOTD have been lacking. My mental health is doing okay, but my actual health is something I’ve been putting off for, well, ages. I have polycystic ovaries, and I have diabetes. I knew what my main problem was, and that was that I didn’t eat ENOUGH. I usually only ate one meal a day, and that’s not healthy. So i’ve made the effort to eat at least 3 meals a day, and be a hell of a lot more consious of what i’m putting IN my body. I’ve cut down on fizzy drink, so much so that I went through withdrawels resulting in daily headaches.
I went to the doctors on Monday to have a set of blood tests (to make sure that those headaches weren’t something more sinister & check my sugar) & I got all worried when I was rung & asked to come back in the clinic. I’m doing well. All my tests result came back improved from the test I have 3 months ago. Everything has dropped between 1 to 3 numbers. My doctor was so excited and really proud of me. I’m really proud of me.
Yesterday was a hard day. The worst day. I had to say goodbye to my best friend, my baby, or as Caitlin put it, my furry soul mate. Those of you who have followed my blog for a long time will know how much this little man meant to me, and to say that I am devastated would be an understatement.
Frodo had been getting old. After his operation early last year, he’s aged dramatically. The past month or so, he’s just grown really lazy, mainly due to some arthritis in his legs. He’s been less lively. On Saturday, his back right leg just wouldn’t work, he’d stand, and hobble a little when I took him out to the toilet, but he just wouldn’t use it. So we went to the vet first thing Monday morning.
The vet believed he’d hurt it, and mixed with the arthritis, just didn’t want to use it. He gave Frodo some pain killers and asked me to bring him back in the next day for some Xrays.
I took him home, but later that day when I took him outside to go to the toilet, he pooped blood. We took him back to the vet, and he checked him out. His gums had started going white, and he could feel his liver. The vet rubbed my arm and said “You know what I’m going to say, don’t you?”
Of course I did. I knew Frodo. The night before I actually told my boyfriend that I was petrified that it was going to be the last night I spent with Frodo, and I was right. The vet didn’t think he’d last the night and I didn’t want him to suffer.
So he was given a sedative, and then put to sleep, surround by my parents and I. I patted him, kissed his face and told him he was loved, that he was the best dog ever and that I was so thankful for everything he gave me.
You know, I wouldn’t be alive if it wasn’t for Mr Frodo. I know I wouldn’t. He came into my life, and he gave me this sence of purpose, this love and support. He was my rock. I am so thankful for everything that he’s given me, and the time I got to spend with him. What he taught me, what we shared.
People often scoff when you refer to your animals as your babies, but I don’t have children and Frodo was as close as I’d have. I can’t imagine loving anyone or anything the way I love Frodo. I’d look at him and my heart would just swell with love and pride.
He loved squeaky toys, and playing fetch. His favourite music was Missy Elliott. He loved to eat chicken and would go crazy for lambs fry (ew!). He would lay in my arms for hours, and every morning he’d wake to give me kisses and dig in the bed.
This Christmas will be hard. Mr Frodo loved Christmas, he loved opening his presents, it was so adorable. (Video below).
It’s so odd, it’s only been 24 hours and it’s so surreal. I keep going to do things, like take him out to pee, and then I realise, “oh, he’s gone”. I actually don’t remember a time when I’ve never had a dog. Luckily I have Tonka here to take care of me, and boy has he. He slept cuddled in my arms all last night.
So, RIP little man. You will forever be in my heart.
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