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When all you want in life is a dog

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Hi my name is Natalie, i’m 28, a Gemini, I love shoes and things that sparkle, cool weather, swimming and all animals. I have a few mental health issues and all I want in life is a dog.

I can’t really complain though. While my head makes life and living it hard, I have a roof over my head (I love this house), food, enough money to see a good psych fortnightly, friends, and a super loving and supportive family. I should be golden, but I still feel like something is missing. That missing piece is a dog.

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I’ve had at least one dog ever since I can remember. All my life, i’ve had a canine companion, up until Frodo passed away 15 months ago (I remember things like this, 6 years since my miscarriage, 5 years since my niece died, 4 years since my nan died). At first, I couldn’t imagine getting another dog, I was distraught. I had to deal with living in a Frodoless world.

Frodo was my world, and I’m about 80% sure I wouldn’t be alive today if it wasn’t for him. I got him when I was around 15 and in one of my most fragile stages. He was my rock. I had anxiety plans built around him from my Councillors. To this day, when I panic, my thoughts go straight to ‘I want to go home, to my bed, to my dog’. The first few times this happened after Frodo passed was hard, I’d get to the ‘to my dog’ part and panic harder. I no longer had a dog.

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I raised him to be a pretty good dog and I was so proud of him. Some days he’d do something and I’d think my heart would burst from love. This was what people must feel when they have kids, this crazy emotional, love. When he was sick, I would be like a distraught Mother. When he had his operation on his knee, I’d carry him around, stand next to him so he could pee. When he nearly died from a bowel obtrusion, I did everything I could do to help him. I knew the day before he passed that that was the last night I was going to spend with him. When he passed away, it was in my arms with me telling him he was the greatest and best dog ever. In my heart, he always will be.

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I’m not having children, even when I was younger growing up, I never wanted them. I’d always said I’d adopt. Sadly, I can’t adopt. I have issues that would make it hard to concieve and to carry full term and I would not want anyone to grow up with a head anything like mine. So yes, I did see Frodo, I do see Tonka, like my children. A child, that someone who had trouble getting out of bed somedays could have. A child who never judged me if I didn’t leave the house for a week, or a fortnight. Who would willingly give me cuddles and make me happier just by being in the room. Who would encourage me to get out of bed, to feed them, to take them outside. Who made me keep living. It’s something my Psych and I have been discussing over and over.

The thing is, if I was having a child, I wouldn’t have to ask the landlord for permission.

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Frodo is always watching over me, this HUGE picture looks over my bed.

 I was offered to adopt a dog recently. The most perfect dog for me. A dream dog. But the landlord came back with a no. While my rational brain can accept it, it was a big ask, they are scared their property will be damaged, the other part of my brain is devastated. I’d be the best dog parent, I wouldn’t let it do damage and if it did, I’d pay every cent. I can’t stop crying (oh hey, a nose bleed) and I just can’t understand why I try and be the best person I can be, and it always seems that I come in last. I’d do anything legal and not morally questionable to just have this. It still feels like my heart is broken.

I know it may sound trivial to some. And hey, it just may be. But in a world so crazy, if something as simple as having a dog can make my life a better place, can quiet my head, can encourage me to get up in the morning, then I will strive for it. I just wish it was now. I’m not asking for the world. A million dollars. Diamonds. Expensive pairs of shoes. All I want in life is a dog, and I can’t have it.

I am….

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Extrememly hard on myself. I really am my own worst enemy. I always think I could be doing more. Being better. Just, more. I need to learn that I always do my best, try my best, and that that is enough.

Way too empathetic. I feel so much, and for other people. People I don’t even know. Things I have no control over. The current bushfires have my heart aching. I like to think that fact I care makes me a good person, but it’s draining.

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A shoe addict. I love shoes, I have way too many shoes, shoes that I don’t even wear. I consider them a bit like art.

An introvert. Sure, I can be quite chatty and fun when I need to be, but it takes so much out of me. I enjoy my alone time. THIS is a brilliant guide to understanding introverts.

A lover, not a fighter. All the way. I dislike yelling and arguments. I’ve never hit anyone. The worst thing I have ever done was throw a tub of yogurt over my school bully of numerous years. I believe in talking.

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An animal lover. I tend to like animals more then humans. I don’t think I could live without an animal in my life. I could easily surround myself with animals if I knew that they would get the level of love and care that they’d need.

Fat. I have no problems saying that I’m fat, because I AM fat. If you correct me and say “No, you’re not”, i’m just going to look at you as if to say “What, are you blind? Shall I fetch you your glasses?”. I don’t see fat as a bad word, it’s the context it’s used in.

An Artist. I always feel weird calling myself an artist, like I don’t ‘deserve’ the title. Maybe I should say creative? I write, I draw, I paint. I have to let out my energy, my emotions. I scrapbook, I quill, I cross stitch.

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Silly & clumsy. I can be extremely silly at times. I like to make weird sounds, and sing loudly, though I don’t know if should actually count as ‘singing’. I am also clumsy, I’ve owned two sets of crutches in my life because I’d constantly sprain my ankle when I was younger.

Insecure. I worry about everything, I have major cases of self doubt. Believing in myself comes very hard for me, it’s another thing I’m working on.

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An Auntie. 7 times. Not to mention, a great-Aunt 3 times.

Not a very good friend. I have a lot of trust issues from my past & find it hard making new friendships. I tend to be quite withdrawn. I find it hard ‘keeping in contact’ with friends and it’s something I need to work on. Despite that, I love my friends, and would move the stars to help them.

Recovering Recovered self injurer & bulimic. It is still something I struggle with at times, but I have come a hell of a long way over the years.

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Emotional. Though I tend to always be aware of what exactly it is I am feeling, I often get overwhelmed with emotions. It’s part of having BPD I guess. However, I am quite proud at how I handle myself. While I am emotional, I think I tend to be a lot calmer and level headed then most people when they are emotional.

Human. And I need to be luu-uuuh-ved, just like everybody else does….

I said hey! What’s going on?

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I click open my browser, open my blog, and stare at the blank page, waiting for the words to pour out. Sometimes, they do, but then I leave without pressing publish. Other times, it remains blank. I have so much I want to say, but sometimes I’m scared to say it. I have so much I want to share, but part of me wants to keep it all to myself.

I always try and be open on my blog. I only ever want to be myself. It’s hard to put yourself in that position at times though. I open up about my mental health a lot, because I hate the negative stigma that surrounds it, and it’s part of me. Talking about my life is how I find more of a connection with ‘readers’, it makes me human. Blogging is a pretty vain business when you think about, and sometimes I just find it hard to talk about things. I think too much, I worry too much.

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I’m in a bit of a blogging funk again it seems. I’m feeling super inspired, but I’m also procrastinating a hell of a lot. My brain just likes to flit off into space and spend hours dancing around to dreams, ideas, fantasies.

My nephew has been over for the holidays, and i’ve been enjoying spending time with him. I’ve also been using the recent inspiration to get my craft on, it’s been so long since I’ve felt the desire to make things. I miss that. I find it makes me miss working at the craft store I used to manage. I miss creating. It’s nice to do that again.

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While my nephew and I have fun together, we make each other laugh so much, I also love that he’s one of very few people who let me photograph him. For a very long time I actually wanted to be a photographer, but I’m way too shy. I’ve even been a runner up in a photography competition and had my work displayed in a shopping center. I always doubt myself though. blue05

He’s getting pretty handy behind the lense too and took some photos for me. I wanted a new updated pictures to use across social media, and I’m happy with how they turned out (except for my bra showing, whoops!).

Words cannot express how in love with these Capnmueller earrings. I’d been lusting after a pair for what seems like forever, and when these ones went on sale, I couldn’t resist. I have a very hard time resisting things I want on sale, if you hadn’t noticed.

Top is from ASOS, and warning, size down! This is my normal size and it’s pretty huge, I can’t find a way to style it that I like. It is very pretty though.

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And now a question for you…

What is it that keeps you coming back to read my blog?