People who follow me on twitter may notice I go through periods of depression. I can get quite emotional and ranty. I thought I’d take a moment to try and explain this, delve into my head a little.
*warning* The following will deal with Mental Health, and possably some touchy subjects.
I’ve always had problems, though, most of them never got picked up later in life when I started showing more symptoms. My first trip into Counselling was when I was in Year 3 of school. Bullying & hard school work had me put into hospital with stress, and then as an outpatient RedBank House. I don’t remember much about it except that I really liked my councillor & that she helped my overcome my fear of storms.
During my high school years was when most of my problems came to light. I was teased a lot due to being overweight & individual. I started self injuring when I was in Year 7. I had my close group of friends & in the end, it was these friends who got me the help I needed. They talked with the year advisor, who in turn got me to talk to the school councilor. The SC talked to me & advised me to talk to my parents, confide in them, and to seek professional help.
I tend to block out memories, but I remember the night I told my Mother I was depressed, I was so nervous & scared that she’d hate me. I knew she wouldn’t, but I just kept thinking that what I was doing was wrong. I didn’t want to worry her. But I told her, and we started trying to get me help.
It’s been a long road since. I’ve been to numerous councilors, psychiatrists, psychologists. Been to the emergency ward of the local hospital more times then I like to admit & have been on more medications then most people have in there life. I’ve had a councillor cry whilst I was talking to her, I’ve had a psychiatrist call me a ‘Fuck Up’, I’ve had others look at me as if they wish to open up my head and dissect my brain & I’ve had a few who have told me that there is nothing they can do to help me. It’s not been an easy road, but I do keep on trying, and while I have my bad periods, I have made a lot of progress.
I’ve been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder & Bipolar Disorder (Not Otherwise Specified – Lows of weeks with only hours of high) and these effect my life everyday.
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER – People affected by BPD often experience intense and rapidly changing emotions, feel abandoned and poorly treated by others in relationships, and feel urges to self-harm.
BIPOLAR DISORDER - Previously known as manic-depression, is a mood disorder characterised by exaggerated mood swings. Bipolar means two poles, or extremes, and if you have bipolar disorder you are likely to have extreme ups and downs.
I was originally diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, which later when reading about it, rang true to an extent, never felt quite right. A few years later, after finding an amazing doctor & feeling like I could fully trust this man & talk about everything, I was diagnosed with BPD and when you read up about it, it really does fit me to a T.
I’m honest to people, I am not ashamed of myself, I am who I am. I don’t hide that I have problems. They are a part of me.
Things I am Thankful For!
- I am thankful, that with my BPD, which is often linked to Impulsiveness – Abusing alcohol and other drugs; spending excessively; gambling; stealing; driving recklessly, or having unsafe sex – That the only one I tend to have trouble with is spending. I’m proud that even with peer pressure through school I have never taken drugs. Only smoked around 4 full cigarettes in my life & will only have 1 or 2 social drinks. I understand that drinking & drugs would alter my state of alert & only help any zany impulses.
- I am thankful that I have an amazing & supportive family, boyfriend & friends. My parents did everything in their power to get me any & all the help I needed. They are strong & even if at times they had to play the mean guy, I knew they had my best interests at heart. I know that it wouldn’t be easy, I think the self-injuring is the hardest. I have come to know that by hurting myself, I am hurting them. I think Adam has also come to the realisation that sometimes hurting myself is my way of helping & healing myself.
Getting Help!
It’s not easy, believe me I know. I am currently not under any psych care and am considering, for the first time to seek it out myself. Usually it is thrust upon me. After so many years I am now to the point I can recognise the signs, if that isn’t progress I don’t know what is! Below I’ve listed some handy sites that I’ve found useful in the past -
Under the cut is a Livejournal post I made 2 years ago with more detailed information on some of the side effects of my conditions.
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LOL. My hair blends in with the trees!
